so for the fist time in that last 3 years or so i actually feel like the up-swing is happening. things have aligned and finally (maybe) in my favor. i couldn’t be more excited!! the dead end job is no longer the dead end job thank you to a sweet transfer of not only shift but of site. add to that a bit of focus and a ton of drive…. yeah i can honestly say things are lookin good!!

this whole blog thing has really got me thinking that i should probably start that book i was thinking about starting. the great part about it is that i’m under no pressure from anyone but myself to get it done.

ok some things about me you might need to know so this makes sense…..

i like to have hobbies. everything from Pitch Leagues and Bowling Leagues to crafting and making mix music lists (as i think i’m the only one who actually still burns and uses CD’s). if it interests me it could easily become a hobby. so anywho…. my mom decided to tell me that she is going to invest into my work if i’m willing to teach myself/learn how to make the handbags that i make out of leather instead of regular fabric. you see i taught myself how to make a handbag (originally out of tea towels) and moved on from there. well my mom has from day one many years ago been up my butt about selling my handbags and breaking thru with my own business. me being me, out of plan ole chicken shit fear of failure i’ve put it off until this past Christmas. i posted up some scarves on my Facebook page to sell. i was on this crochet kick where i made a ton of scarves that sat in a plastic clothing bag for the better part of 4 years. well when there was interest from someone about buying the scarves, i half assedly mentioned that i also made handbags. to make a long story short i brought the handbags with me and ended up selling two. it was a moment of self esteem and awesomeness that i needed to get my ass in gear. needless to say, my mom had told me roughly 2 weeks later that she wanted to invest in me for my birthday. she wanted me to take her money to buy the materials i need to make her a leather handbag. she believes i have potential. MY MOTHER WANTS TO INVEST IN ME!!!

and let me add that my mother has ALWAYS believed in me almost to the point of annoyance. but for her to encourage me by investing in me financially is pretty fucking cool!!! yes it makes me happy!!! and it’s definitely motivation. now the whole hobby/writing thing comes about bc the handbag making thing was, sorta still is, a hobby. so if i’m now going to concentrate on my hobby as being more than just a hobby then i need to get a new hobby!! it makes sense in my head and for now that’s all that counts.

so at this point in time i think it might be prudent to start really blogging on a more regular basis. maybe about how the learning process is going or how the new job is going or just life in general. but either way dear and oh so lucky reader, you’ll be able to see more of the silly screwy thoughts that run thru my head!! blogging can be my new hobby and writing a book can be my personal year long project. yes i think that shall be it.

so my friends i hope your life is on the up swing as well. and if it’s not i can assure you that altho it takes some time (for me roughly 3 years) the up swing of that pendulum will come and when it does embrace it!!

stupidity and how it works in america…..



there’s been a lot of talk about the movie “The Interview”. many Americans have come out and said how dare another country try to censor our freedom of speech and creative expression. these people come out and say how dare do dictators and fundamentalists tell us what type of media we consume and whatnot. here’s the rub…. bc it’s another country telling us ‘hey, you have a movie coming out that our leaders feel may be offensive to not only us but our country’, and maybe not in the nicest way, ask that it not be released. now i admit that overall i live under a rock most of the time, but even i knew that from the very beginning Korea wanted this movie going straight to DVD. now let’s get something straight, by no means do i go and enforce my beliefs or way of living on my neighbors when i’m in their homes. no. i respect their way of life as i would expect them to respect mine if they were in my home. so yes i do understand the outrage that people in this country showed when a country with a different set of rules, government and lifestyle demanded that America did not release a film that they found offensive in american theaters.

where i find Americans being stupid and as usual talking out of their asses is when it’s right here in the homeland. for example, the movie Hello Herman starring Norman Reedus went straight to DVD upon it’s release in the wake of the Connecticut school shootings. the film was viewed in October 2012 in film festivals in the US. it went straight to DVD in 2013 bc our government wanted to protect the people from reliving the tragic event. now i’m not saying that is a bad thing. what i am saying is that we have our own government censoring what the movie production companies can release and how, based on the potential feelings of what is a relatively small group of people from Connecticut (in comparison to our entire country’s population) and how they may react. we are trying to spare them anger and sadness when, if anything, that movie brought to light just what can happen in this day and age given any number of circumstances.

the debate here is not about whether or not our government was right in protecting a small group of people reliving something so fresh in time. it’s about the American people yapping their jaw about our rights to not censor bc another country’s government does not like our freedom of creative expression. these same American people have no problem when our own government gets involved with the decisions of big budget movies when it comes to protecting our own people from the freedom of creative expression. the rub is simple…. even if the production companies on their own decided to have a movie go straight to DVD due to recent events in any given state, the government has backdoor knowledge of it and i’m sure plenty of advisors as well.

now reading my own argument i can clearly see it’s weaknesses and holes that could be used to shred this up all together. and this is more of a social media induced rant than it is a protest of something i strongly believe in hence there are no other examples outside of the one above. i’m going to put this to you in a very simple way….. in this country if we recreate historical fact (or close to it) like the movie JFK and Bobby and we’re showing or inspiring to show some actual facts leading up to the assassination of an important political figure, this country and its government have no problem releasing that in the form of big media. however, if a movie about a bunch of anarchists, for example, who happened to kill the president and the presidential family was made and it could potentially cause a movement, big or small, then our government would find a way to pressure the movie companies to release it straight to DVD if not make them wait a few years for a release.

the american peoples’ view is that if Korea doesn’t want the movie seen then they don’t have to show it in their country; if they don’t want to be offended, then they don’t have to watch it but when it comes to movies like Hello Herman getting released in our country that rule doesn’t apply. our government and production companies, just like their government and production companies, decide what the american people should and should not see. our government censors the american people for what they feel may be distasteful and offensive. our government censors our freedom of creative expression all the time. so when americans get on their soap boxes and start protesting and screaming censorship they need to take a minute and realize that our government does the same thing. the only difference is our government does not make it a publicly known occurrence, nor do they threaten to the media potential countermeasures towards the production companies, i.e. like hacking Sony. they don’t need to bc let’s face it, Big Brother has been watching since J. Edgar Hoover. our government does it in the sneaky back door way it always has while “protecting” the continuously growing ever so wimpy and highly offended american psyche from itself. it’s american hypocrisy albeit on quite the smaller scale and to me, when shouted and protested all over social media by our own people, well that’s another example of american stupidity at its finest.

No worries. I annoy myself!!


my blog on Christmas is pretty cool but every time i read it all i can think is that i sound like a preacher’s wife. i’ve annoyed myself with the babbling of taking back the Christmas spirit. awesome. i just wanted you to know that you’re not alone having read that diatribe and realized you can’t get those precious minutes added back to your life that you just lost. i make no apology bc i guarantee you that i’ve read it more and lost a whole bunch of minutes to my life…. worse than that time my brother insisted i watched the movie ‘Thumb Wars’. he was a child of 8 and this was cool to him. who am i to say no? so i do know what it’s like to lose precious life minutes that you can’t get back. but going forward, not everything i write is preachy. at least that’s the goal. i write to hear myself think and to practice the art of conversation if in fact i ever have one with a perfect stranger anytime soon. so whatever. i love randomness. messy is ok too. it keeps things interesting in my little humdrum bore of a life!! so if you get annoyed just remember i had those thoughts before you read them. i’m the one that had to type them out and then re-read them. chances are, my thoughts annoyed me more than they did you!! take comfort in that and rest easy my friend. goodnight!


so here i am, on my last real full day off from the job i hate and i finally finished making my Christmas cards. yes i said making. it’s silly and dorky and i’m aware of that. i don’t mind being the Queen of Dorkville today bc for the first time this year i was kinda in the whole holiday spirit. it’s weird tho. i only decided to make cards this year bc when i looked at my overstock of unused leftover commercial cards, i realized that i sent them out last year. damn it!! i’m too cheap (my mother prefers the term “frugal” bc cheap just sounds…. trashy, slutty…. i don’t know pick an adjective along those lines) anyway, where was i? oh yeah… i’m too cheap to buy a new box of cards. and yes that includes going to the Dollar Store and picking out some from there. but here’s the other thing about me…. i moved away from my pretty awesome place near the city so i could live cheaply in a larger place in the sticks. and it was all for the need of a room i could call an art studio. and when i say art i mean everything art. crafting, sewing, painting, wood-burning. it’s kinda ridiculous just how much i’ve spent in the last 10 years on art supplies and machines and such and it seems like i never use any of it. life in the last 5 years has been a bit of a shit storm and has really gotten in the way of my creativity. but for the love of all things awesome at Christmas time, today i decided to make my Christmas cards. 21 cards. almost half i used a spray adhesive and glitter which is now permanently stuck to one of my chairs…. ugh fuck. oh well. and i must say that i’m pretty proud of myself for having the foresight to listen to podcasts tonight instead of watching old episodes of the X-Files on Hulu. i was able to get more done bc i continuously worked and altho i like to think i do the same when i have tv on, the truth is i don’t. (which is why having my own business hasn’t taken off…..) anyway none of this is really why i’m writing. i made the cards and what i’ve realized is like writing a letter or even going out for coffee or having people over for dinner parties things i hold dear to me are becoming obsolete. no one writes a letter anymore. the only excitement i get at the mailbox is when my Netflix comes in. (yes Hulu and Netflix bc it’s still cheaper than trying to bundle cable into my already phone and internet bundle… living in the sticks makes my cell phone obsolete… hmm wonder if that’s kinda ironic?)

the whole notion of Christmas, in my family at least, was built on this whole tradition of celebrating the birth of the big JC, believing in Santa no matter how old you get and enjoying the family both close and extended. well most of that for my family went to shit over 10 years ago. my mom has upheld most of it but it still isn’t the same. the weirdest is the things like driving thru the town i grew up in and there’s no manger scene. there’s also no North Pole with the little hut that had a “Santa’s Workshop” sign attached to it. my youngest brother (there’s a whole lotta years between us) is having a “Holiday Spectacular Show”. WHAT THE FUCK IS A HOLIDAY SPECTACULAR SHOW? whatever happened to it just being a Christmas concert? and if you can’t sing anything related to Christmas then why even bother having a show? i don’t get it. i left the church a long time ago. and altho i don’t believe Jesus is my savior, i do believe that he existed. i believe that he had a beautiful msg for the world. i believe that people who need direction and feel lost should follow him. and i can respect those people who do. i’m not offended bc there’s a baby Jesus in a manger on the front lawn of the Town Hall. i’m more offended at the monstrosity of a fortress that that particular town calls a Police Station and the fact that they located it at 357 Main….. 357 magnum is more like it with those stupid sons of bitches but that’s another blog. and before everyone gets all Ferguson angry…. i have mucho respect for the PD, but that particular town…. well the PD is half the problem. i went to high school with some of those jack-asses so i can say it. anyway i digress…….

i guess the whole thing of it is is that so what if you don’t believe in Santa Claus, or Jesus Christ or the whole thing about Christmas since the start of this baby of a country. who cares if you don’t want to celebrate it but why fuck it up for the rest of us? something as simple as driving thru my old town and seeing the same old decorations that had been going up every year is comforting. the traditions of my family have fallen apart. new traditions were started and for the most part i do my best to not live in the past. but every once in a while the past sneaks up on us. when i see those decorations i get to escape, even if it’s just for a few minutes, to a time when we didn’t have all this technology and connectedness thru the internet. a time when you dealt with things in the here and now in person, not via social media. a time when Christmas was about family and traditions not about Black Friday sales and a day off from being over worked at a job. a time when sending a letter meant something and making a Christmas card was the most thoughtful thing anyone could do. it brings me back to a world i grew up in, something my youngest brother only hears about but will never experience and that saddens me. it’s saddens me how commercial Christmas has become and how politically correct everyone feels they have to be. Christmas warmed the heart and brought life to the soul. we didn’t leave our neighbor with no family to spend the day by themselves, we invited them to dinner. we baked cookies and gave to Toys for Tots and Giving Trees for those less fortunate. now tho, we buy whatever is hip to send as a msg of love and well wishes to our friends and family. we give to children bc it’s Christmas and they are entitled to gifts bc the retail stores say they are. we forget why the manger was put up in the first place. NOT to try to convert everyone to Catholicism but to remind everyone of a time of bringing peace not just to our neighbors but to our own souls. a time to celebrate family and friends. celebrate old traditions and starting new ones. a big reminder to remember the act of kindness and giving and helping those who are in need. but for me, seeing the baby Jesus lying in a manger and then across the way Santa’s Workshop at the North Pole reminded me of faith and hope and love; never letting that inner child grow up into a person like Scrooge. the simple act of believing in something good, whether it be a fat jolly man bringing presents to the masses no matter how much money they had, or a child who was born to grow up and teach salvation thru his own suffering and death. it’s the act of believing. having hope and faith in not just one another but of ourselves. that’s what all those politically incorrect decorations meant to me. and even as the years passed and they added Chanuka and Kwanza to the display, it never changed the feelings i got seeing them all lit up for the month of December. it reminded me that we all have our traditions no matter what the religion or where we come from and that Christmas, in this country should be a day to celebrate it. even if you don’t believe and don’t care, find one good thing in life and celebrate it. and instead of being offended by all the religious icons and the Santa myths, embrace it and enjoy it bc the way this country is going, we’ll be lucky if we even get Christmas Day off from work, never mind collecting a holiday pay.

so do something different this year. put the phone down and shut off the internet. make a loved one a card. invite that neighbor to dinner. volunteer at a shelter or soup kitchen. go and look at the lights and allow yourself to believe that we haven’t lost everything we hold dear to technology and commercial retail stores and entitlement without work or effort. believe. believe that we can take back and hold on to the spirit of Christmas, to find peace within ourselves and in doing so help bringing peace to others. so try it. what’s the worst that could happen? it’s Christmastime and i’m taking it back!! good luck! and Merry Christmas!